Career, Depression, Mental Health

A Moment of Realness

A cluster of Daisies in a Sepia tone image.

CW: Mental Health Issues

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I suffer from Depression.

I would define myself as a functioning depressive as it hasn’t impacted my life to the point where I have needed to take time off.

I have suffered with it for most of my life but it kinda grabbed me by the neck about 4 years ago. I was having a hard time and I finally admitted to myself that my business had become a really an expensive hobby.

Suicidal thoughts were creeping in but the thought of  hurting the little people in my life at the time seemed to be enough to not do anything about it.

Eventually I did reach out to friends and I was very lucky to have a great doctor I was comfortable enough with to be frank with my feelings. Honesltly I think I just got completely exhausted with feeling like this about myself and I got to the point  where doing something was better than staying as I was.

I did go on a course of Anti-Depressants and after a 3 month wait, I got onto a Cognitive Behaviour Therapy course. I am not cured but I do have heightened self awareness and i know when i’m going downhill. Going through some of the CBT exercises reguarly helps a lot. Also understanding why people who claim to love me…are supposed to have my back

I did tell a couple of people close to me what was going on and it was surprising to me how many of them had been waiting patiently for me to reach out. They all seemed to have a sense that was not a happy person…but not enough to come to me about it.

I had built a very very thick wall and someone would have needed seriously machinery to break through to me so I honestly understand that. I come from a family where we don’t talk about our problems..you have to suck it up and get on with it. To say you are not doing great is a sign of weakness….actually I think the opposite is true.

I do not begrudge for a moment anyone who is not ready to do that. You might  be unfortunate to not have good people around you. you need to feel comfortable and safe enough to open up to someone who won’t use your words against you.

It is a daily battle to banish these limiting thoughts but I am worth the effort.

If you are going through anything similar I hope you will think about reaching out. In my case it was kind of freeing because it meant the signal of movement for me, that I can learn to move past this when the low mood comes and blocks my path. Because in order to move forward with my life…I needed to be open to changing myself and my reactions to the crap when it crosses my path.

Suggestions for contact;

Your local GP

The Maya Centre

Stonewall

The Samaritans

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